Good to hear from you... I just knew somehow that you were having a rough time of it. I've thought about you quite often, especially on those days when I've struggled so hard myself. My heart continues to go out to you. I hope you know that you don't have to be an inspiration for anyone right now ~ geezus, you've been through so much too. You really have earned the right to give yourself some time to heal, don't ever feel bad about that and don't give up on yourself!!! You are not alone!
I still have many, many sleepless nights thinking about my Mom and all that she went through. I constantly second guess the decisions I made along the way and wonder if I couldn't have done more for her. Sometimes I feel like I should be a little further along in my grieving/healing process but just don't seem to get beyond it all yet. I still find myself looking over her written reports, scans, and medication lists, somehow trying to gain some new insight.... This obsession I'm sure isn't help me any, but I just can't help it.
It's completely ridiculous that you had to endure yet another blow with that MRI appointment notice!! I'm glad you posted that on your blog since these are the kind of careless errors that need to be brought to the worlds attention!
My Dad got a phone call a week and a half after my mom passed to remind them of her next scheduled Chemo appt. I was so pissed I thought my head was going to explode! Now mind you, her Oncologist worked directly with the Infusion center where she got her Chemo, and was contacted immediately by the hospital when she passed. Knowing the system the way I did, I also made a follow up call to the Infusion Center a few days later to ensure that they knew what had happened and had cancelled all future appointments. Yeah, well, a lot of good that did me... once again, I couldn't protect my family from these people.
I wanted to share a couple pictures with you so you could put faces to our names. Below are a few pictures we took together with Mom about 1 month before she passed away...
That's my youngest sister Stacey in the pink shirt (I have 3 sisters). She was about 7 1/2 months pregnant at the time. I'm in the brown shirt on the right, and Mom (Carol) is the beauty in the turqoise scarf. These were taken in the Nursery before Stacey's babyshower. Mom was completely bald having just completed brain radiation, but this wig and headband looked soooo good on her! Mom wanted so much to be here to see "Isabella" be born but just couldn't hold on long enough.... She endured the many chemo and radiation treatments mostly for the privilege of seeing her baby's, 1st baby. Coincidentily, my Mom had lost her Mother when she was 8 months pregnant with Stacey.
My sister Stacey had just gotten married Oct 15, 2006 in Hawaii and it was during that trip that we knew something was terribly wrong with Mom. She was in soooo much pain in her back during that week that She & Dad ended up flying home and going into emergency the next day. They did a chest Xray and found a spot on her lung. They gave her pain pills and sent her on her way instructing her to wait for a referral call from the county hospital for a CT scan.
Given her family history we knew the outcome was not going to be good. She had no health insurance because she had entered the work force part time at age 61 (As a food demonstrator at Costco) in order to help make ends meet since my Dad who was self employed, had recently been disabled. Because of the red tape, she wasn't officially diagnosed with the lung cancer until late November 06, only after having to just take her to the county hospital through ER because she was so dehydrated from not being able to swallow anymore (she was riddled with tumors by this time...) I don't know how it works in Canada but here the only way they have to take you is if you go to an emergeny room for trauma care.
Anyway, I just realized it is 4:00 in the morning and that I better save the rest of our story for another day. Sorry, I didn't mean for this to be so long.....Please feel free to write anytime, short or long, especially if you need someone to lend an ear.